THE UNDERWEAR DARE
Chapter 1
“Josh
Miller, I’m gonna get you!”
I
didn’t have to turn around to know whose voice that was. Eddie was a legend at our school, plus he’d
been yelling that particular phrase at me since kindergarten. I thought once we started fifth grade, he’d
be tired of picking on me. Not so! If there was ever a record for longest time
span for a bully, Eddie would be the champion.
“Hey,
Josh. I’m right behind you.” Eddie huffed and puffed between words.
I was short for my age, even though I had
grown two inches over the summer. Eddie
was gigantic. He was taller than most of
our teachers and he was also pretty wide due to his love of cookies and fruity
drinks. Even so, Eddie’s size didn’t
slow down his speed. He was fast, but I was faster as I sprinted from the bus
stop through our neighborhood.
I
picked up the pace. I pumped my legs as fast as I could. It didn’t help that my backpack was loaded
down with library books. Hardbacks. I told Ms. Bullard, the Media
“You’re
a dead man!” Eddie yelled. He was
doubled over holding his side.
I
slowed down a little, but not much. It
could be a trick. I’d been fooled
before, plus I only had two houses left.
Dang, just when I thought I was safe
I saw old Miss Jenkins walking her French poodle, Gigi. Gigi had one of those poofy, silly, poodle
cuts and pink toenail polish. Miss Jenkins
was very talkative and never, ever, fastened Gigi’s collar properly. Plus, they both wore too much perfume.
“Good afternoon, Josh. Why are you in such a hurry?” Miss Jenkins
asked as she blocked the straight shot I had to my house.
I had no choice but to stop. Gigi worked her way out of the collar and ran
around in circles excited to see me. I
bent over to pat her head and she took off down the street. Luckily, there were no cars driving by. But no Eddie either. Where
did he go?
“Oh my! Gigi!
I threw down my backpack and sprinted
to catch her before Miss Jenkins could finish her sentence. I scooped Gigi up just in time to save her
from a truck that came flying around the corner.
Miss Jenkins was overjoyed with
relief, “Thank you so much, Josh. I
don’t know why that keeps happening.”
“Maybe you should tighten her collar
a few notches,” I suggested as I scanned the area for Eddie.
“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” Miss
Jenkins said. “Gigi doesn’t like anything tight around her neck. Do you baby?”
I was about to ask her how she knew
this, but I didn’t want to be rude.
Instead I told her I had lots of homework to do and better get
started. I ran at full speed to my front
door and dug in my backpack for my house key. After removing four hardback
books, I realized my key was gone. It
had to be Eddie!
I knocked furiously on the door and
rang the bell several times. From inside
my house, Eddie pulled back the front window curtain and waved.
“Let me in, now! This isn’t funny!” I yelled and knocked on
the door again.
“Who is it?” Eddie asked, purposely
making his voice sound like a girl.
“Come on Eddie,” I pleaded.
“There’s nobody here named Eddie,” he
mocked again in that high voice.
I was way ahead of him today. I had left the garage door opener hidden in
the bushes for such emergencies. I
sprinted to the bushes, retrieved the opener and presto! I was in the garage. I yanked on the door leading into the
house. It was locked. I banged with all my might.
“Yes, who is it?” Eddie asked on the
other side of the door. “It’s a good
thing I locked this door so no robbers could get in.”
“Come on, Eddie. You win, let me in.” I pleaded.
“There is no one here by that name,”
he said and snickered.
“Fine! Oh, Great and
“Who goes before the Master?” Eddie
answered in a low booming voice.
“It is I, your humble servant Josh, who
in no way can defeat the Great and
“Because why?” he bellowed.
“Because I am much too puny,” I
finished completely humiliated.
The locked clicked open and Eddie
stood there laughing, “
Eddie wiggled the remote control in
his hands as if it were a prize. Of
course, that meant he had complete control over the big TV until his mom got
home, or my dad got off early. Yes,
that’s right, my dad married Eddie’s mom and now he’s my stepbrother! This was definitely the worst year of my
life. Thing is, I really liked Eddie’s
mom, Allie.
My mom died when I was really young
and I don’t remember much about her. But
as much as I liked having a cool step-mom, the price of the step-brother was
too high!
I walked into the living room and was
instantly assaulted by a horrible smell.
Eddie laughed and said, “
“Nasty fart." I said but he just
laughed again. It smelled like boiled broccoli.
“Found this on the playground,” Eddie
said as he tossed me my house key.
“Yeah, if the playground is in my
backpack,” I mumbled.
“That’s funny and true,” Eddie said
and turned his attention to the TV. He
was watching some pirate show on the History Channel. And not a good one like Pirates of the
“Aren’t you gonna do your
homework?” I asked.
“Got it covered,” he said.
When Eddie said, “Got it covered” it
meant some poor kid was doing it for him.
Eddie walked to the kitchen to get a soda. On the way back he released another “
“Dang it, Eddie,” I said and covered
my nose. “I’m trying to do my homework.”
“There is no safe place to hide from
the Master!”
And that was the truth. There was no safe place to hide from
Eddie. It wasn’t fair that we had to
share a bedroom. The only time I got a break
from Eddie was when he visited his father every other weekend. And half the time his dad backed out with
some lame excuse. I wanted him to move
in with his dad permanently but my dad said that wasn’t going to happen because
he would have to change schools. For me,
no Eddie at home or at school would be perfect. If I had my own room, then I would have a
safe retreat. But that was just wishful
thinking.
Chapter 2
Later
that evening in our room, I slid into the bottom bunk bed while Eddie climbed the
narrow ladder to the top bunk. I was
mesmerized by how huge Eddie’s feet were.
They were almost as wide as they were long. They were very flat with no arches. Just looking at them made me think of
caveman’s feet. I couldn’t help but
laugh out loud.
“What’s
so funny, shrimp?” Eddie asked, as he
flopped down on the mattress.
When
his bed bowed above my head, I stopped laughing. A horrible vision of Eddie and the mattress
falling on top of me during the night entered my mind. What a terrible way to die.
“I
said, what’s so funny, peewee?”
“Nothing,”
I wished I could come up with names to hurt him, but I couldn’t think that fast
on my feet. Oh, wait. I should have called him caveman. Darn.
I reached over and turned off the light.
The room went pitch black, just the way I liked it.
“Hey,
turn on the nightlight. I can’t sleep in
total darkness,” Eddie said nervously.
I
flicked on the nightlight and laughed again. Big Eddie was afraid of the dark.
I bet all the kids at school would
think that was hilarious, I thought to myself.
As
if reading my mind, Eddie said, “If you so much as tell anyone I’m,
I’m...anyway I will pound you so hard your dad won’t recognize you.”
I
stopped laughing. Eddie would probably
do it, too.
My dad knocked on the door and peeked inside. He flipped the light back on. “Boys? I know you’re not asleep yet.”
“Yeah,
Dad?”
“Yeah,
Jack?” Eddie said.
“Allie
and I just had a long talk and we decided to give you each your own room,” he
announced.
“But
Dad, we only have two rooms. Where will
you and Allie sleep?” I asked.
“No,
no. In the attic,” my dad said and laughed.
“You
and Mom are gonna sleep in the attic?
Cool! I didn’t even know there
was one,” Eddie exclaimed.
“No, Eddie,” my dad explained. “Not us. We are going to convert the attic into a bedroom for one of you.”
“I
think I should get it because this was my house first,” I said.
“I
should get it. This was your room first,
you should have it back,” Eddie countered.
“No way,” I replied. The attic was huge. I really wanted that room. It would be like living in a mansion.
Eddie
yelled at me, “
My
dad interrupted, “Hold it. Whoa! Allie and I have already decided who gets the
room.”
Eddie and I both shut up. It was so quiet you could hear the music playing downstairs. Allie played music almost every night. At first, I didn’t like it but now I was getting used to it. It was opera. Allie told me that opera calmed her down and kept her in a good mood.
Not
being able to take the silence anymore, Eddie caved in, “
“We’ve
decided it’s up to you,” he answered.
“Me!” Eddie yelled.
“Great, I choose me.”
My
dad quickly said, “No, not you!”
“Me?” I screamed. “Alright, this is the best news ever!”
“No,
not you either,” Dad said.
“I
don’t get it,” Eddie said and for once I agreed with him.
My
dad explained. “Allie and I know this
hasn’t been an easy adjustment for either of you. Our marriage happened fast, and I know
there’s been tension between you two for a long time.”
“Try
kindergarten,” I mumbled.
Eddie
leaned over the bunk bed and mouthed to me, “You’re dead.”
“Boys,
focus. There’s only one fair way to
settle a decision this big.
“Yes,
Dad,” I said.
“Eddie?” Jack asked.
“Um,
no fighting.”
“Okay,
‘night boys,” He turned off the light and closed the door.
“Hey, Eddie,” I whispered. “We can settle this right now. I have $17.31. It’s all yours if you give me the room.”
Eddie
laughed. “I’ve got more than that in the
front pocket of the jeans I just took off.”
“
“I
had a very profitable week at school.”
“Doing
what?” I inquired.
“Getting
paid for protecting classmates.”
“Protecting
them from who?” I couldn’t wait to hear
his answer.
“From
me, of course. It’s a new thing I
started this year.”
“Our
classmates pay you to protect them from you?”
I couldn’t believe it.
“It’s
very lucrative,” Eddie laughed. “
“No
way, I’m not for sale.”
“What
if I told you I would give you three figures worth?” Eddie said.
“No.”
I stood my ground.
“How
about four figures?” Eddie bargained.
“You
have four?” I knew that was at least one
thousand dollars.
“Um,
no. But I do have three,” Eddie
admitted.
“What
if I give you all my video games?” I
asked.
“Your
video games stink. Mine are way
better.” Eddie countered.
I
couldn’t argue with that. It was
true. Eddie had a better
collection. “How about all my
DVD’s?” I offered.
Eddie
spoke up, “You have less money than me.
Your video games stink. Your DVD’s
stink even more.”
“Wait,
I wasn’t finished. All that, plus I will
do your homework for a week,” I added.
“How
about a month?”
“Deal!”
I said.
“No,
just kidding,” Eddie teased.
“Loser,”
I said under my breath.
“What?”
I quickly came up with more bargaining items. “What if I throw in my skateboard and dirt bike?”
“Your
skateboard is too girlie for me and the dirt bike is too small,” Eddie said.
“What
do you mean my skateboard’s too girlie?”
“It
has a hot pink swirl on it.”
“Hey,
your Mom bought it for me!”
“I
know. I told her your favorite color was
pink.”
“You
are such a jerk!”
Eddie jumped down from the top bunk in one swift motion and pulled me to the floor. “No you’re the jerk! Come on, you little wiener.”
“Hey,
Dad said no fighting,” I yelled hoping my dad would hear.
“What
are you going to do, snitch on me?”
Through
the headlock I mumbled, “Yeah.”
Eddie released me from the headlock and pinned me to the ground. “Fine, I won’t fight. You couldn’t win anyway.” Instead, Eddie threw his head back and started gulping air.
I
knew what was coming. Eddie was
legendary for it. If he didn’t fight you, this was his back-up move.
“No,
no!” I cried as I tried to turn my head away from Eddie. I took a quick breath and held it in.
“You
have to breathe sometime.” Eddie
tormented me.
My
face was turning red. I knew I would
have to breathe soon. No longer able to
hold it in, I let out my breath.
Eddie
leaned in close, real close. “Buuurrrp!”
It
was the loudest burp I had ever heard.
And the smelliest! I didn’t mean
to smell it but I had to breathe.
“Agh! It’s in my mouth!” I could
practically taste the spaghetti and meatballs we had for dinner a couple of
hours ago. Oh, no! Another one was coming.
“Buuurrrp!”
I almost threw up in my mouth. Garlic bread! I could taste and smell the garlic bread on that last burp. I told Dad there was too much garlic on the bread, but Dad said you could never have enough garlic. Boy, was he wrong! Eddie let go of me and crawled back up to his bed.
With
my ears still ringing from the vibrato of Eddie’s burps, I stumbled into the
lower bunk. “You’re disgusting,” I spat.
“You’re
just jealous ‘cause you can’t do it.”
Deep
down I knew that Eddie was right. I
could only burp if I drank lemon-lime soda really fast. Even then, my burps weren’t on the same
Richter
“Hey, remember that time when Marina Ashton was giving that report and I...” Eddie was laughing so hard he couldn’t finish his sentence.
Did
I ever! It was at the beginning of the
year.
“That
was great. Except that you got in
trouble,” I said.
“For
once, I’d like to see you get into trouble,” Eddie said.
“For once, I’d like to see you not get into trouble. I bet you couldn’t go a whole day without bullying someone or taking their money,” I replied snidely.
“I
could too, easily. I could go a whole
week.”
It
was times like this that my straight-A, honor roll brain jumped into
overdrive. I knew there was only one way
to beat Eddie and that was to play by his rules, which unfortunately were
always dirty. The plan that formed in my
mind was not a nice one. “What if the person who completes the craziest dare at
school gets the attic room?”
Eddie
was speechless. We were both engrossed
in our own thoughts. Eddie finally broke
the silence. “I dare you to burp really
loud in class,” he challenged.
I was afraid Eddie would come up with something like that. “Yeah, okay. I can do that. But then I dare you to stop being a bully for one whole week.”
Eddie
let out a sigh of relief. “Easy.”
“And
you have to be nice to everyone you have ever been mean to.”
“How
am I supposed to do that? It would take
forever!” Eddie whined.
“True. But I’m giving you a week.” I said
“Fine. But your burp can’t be a regular burp. It has to be loud enough for everyone to hear including Ms. Waverly. And it has to be at a time when no one expects it. Can you do it?”
Not wanting to appear unsure, I said, “No problem. Do I get the whole week too?”
“Yeah. We will start on Monday. Whoever doesn’t complete his dare by Friday loses. Agreed?” Eddie asked.
“Agreed. Wait!”
Eddie
laughed. “Are you backing out already?”
“No. But what happens if we both complete our
dares? Then who gets the room?” I asked.
“I
didn’t think of that,” Eddie said.
“I
know. We’ll have back-up dares for the next week,” I said.
“Genius,”
Eddie replied.
The
next week was poetry week. I knew there
was some kind of great dare in there, but couldn’t figure it out. Eddie, on the other hand, didn’t have a
problem with coming up with my next dare.
“You
have to fart really loud in class. And
in front of Ms. Waverly. And it has to
smell, too.” Eddie laughed.
Dang,
Eddie was picking all the things that he was good at. He was also a legend when it came to
farting. There was this one time, in
science class, when Eddie farted too close to the sulfur beaker and it
exploded. The whole class had to
evacuate. He got sent to the principal’s
office for that one too.
“Well,
what about me? Can’t think of anything?”
Eddie inquired.
And
just then it hit me, “You know how we have our poetry unit next week?”
“Yeah,”
Eddie said cautiously.
“You have to write a love poem to Ms. Waverly and recite in front of the class,” I said.
“No
way. Ms. Waverly is so old and ugly.”
“Can’t
do it?” I smirked.
“You
little...I can do it. Wait! What if we both do our dares again, who
wins?”
“If
we both do our dares, then the third week should be a shared dare. One so bad that whoever does it first,
automatically wins hands down.”
“I
like the sound of that,” Eddie said.
“You
would. Hey, we have to make a pact. If either one of us tells anybody about these
dares, especially our parents, then he automatically loses. Agreed?”
“Agreed,” Eddie jumped down to face me. “I got it. The final dare. The ultimate dare!”
“What?” I asked.
“Whoever
runs though the cafetorium in his underwear during lunchtime wins!”
“Are
you crazy? Do you know how much trouble
we could get into?” I asked.
“Are
you in?” Eddie narrowed his eyes.
“I’m
in,” I said reluctantly. I didn’t sleep
well the rest of the night.